Back in 2015, I was minding my own business, doing my own thing, uploading photos onto Instagram when I received a notification, some random person was letting me know that he had the same top as me.. I don’t normally respond to anyone that comments on my posts, but it was Pokemon related.. What I didn’t expect to happen was the need to want to talk to this guy, from word go there was something pulling me towards him and I didn’t even understand why.
It was no secret that I was unhappy, currently seeing someone but wasn’t looking for anyone either, in two minds to walk away or stay and think it’s just because of the distance and that we’ve been friends for 20 years so surely that has to account for something? Right?
The more I got talking to this guy I couldn’t help but notice how much we have in common, our music taste was near on a twin match, right down to how we were spending our evening, on this one instance, I was sitting by my Christmas tree with the tree lights on, phone on charge, TV on however I wasnt watching it because my headphones where in and I was listening to music, when I told him what I was up to, he was doing the exact same thing. We just, connected, a lot. When we were doing “throwback” photos and talking about the younger years, I found out that he liked a band, a band that I had liked for many years, and also had the biggest crush on the lead singer, to the point where in 2015 I still wanted to run off and marry this guy (pure fan girl moment) that he showed me a photo of him and my crush. However for a split second I couldn’t tell the difference between the two! This blew my mind in such a way I had to tell my girls, where I was told that I liked the guy. I done the whole “that’s impossible, I’m seeing someone, why would I have feelings for someone else.” I was in denial. – when I look back at our conversations, I’m shocked with how much I was actually attempting to flirt with him. When my girls told me that I was falling for him I had to take a huge step back. I needed to think what the hell. I can’t be falling for someone who lives in a totally different country, how the hell would that ever work? Why would that work? But I knew, he was making me happy, he was giving me confidence, he was calming my anxiety and panic attacks without even knowing..
So I knew that I had to do two things. Tell him and tell the guy I was seeing. I don’t believe in cheating, nor do I believe in being with someone if you have feelings for someone else. I knew he would never understand – to this day it’s a shame that 20 years of friendship was just given up on because I wouldn’t choose him, but why settle? I wasn’t naive. I knew the implications of a long distance relationship, especially when there’s an ocean that separates us. I knew it was hurting both of us, liking each other so strongly and passionately yet being so far away and not even sure if it would ever work however I was willing. I wanted this to work. I wanted us to be together.
On the 20th December I had the biggest panic attack going, I realised that whilst talking to Matt there were several times I wanted to say “I love you” however I made it such a huge deal that you don’t just say it unless you completely mean it, I was so scared. My track history with men has been horrifying, and I didn’t want to mess this up. I didn’t want yet another heart break, I didn’t want to fall for someone and hand them my heart completely for it to fail and crumble. Not to mention the children. I didn’t just want to introduce someone into their lives and then remove that person so damn quickly. So I told Matt that it’s probably better if we just don’t talk anymore, he was in america I was in the uk, the distance would just be the worst and we probably wouldn’t make it past 2 months. I went quiet, for a while, I spoke to my Mumsie (she’s my best friend, but also a second mum to me) she basically gave it to me, told me not to be stupid and just tell him that I loved him. It was obvious. She said she saw this coming, he was the one. He is the one. I know he’s the one. So I did. I told him that I loved him. I didn’t ever want to be the one that said it first, however within 30 seconds, he told me he loved me too. That was it, I needed him to be mine.
We took things slow, we didn’t get into a relationship until he asked me to be his girlfriend on the 1st January 2016. (It kinda also was the 31st December 2015) what girl can say she was asked to be a girlfriend in two different time zones?! Life did throw us some obstacles to overcome, mainly in the form of a very jealous ex best friend who was forever putting doubt into my mind about how I can’t ever really tell if I’m being lied too or not, and how could I invest so much emotion into someone before meeting them in July. For them to not like me, or we don’t click together, half of me believed this. I was so scared that he’d see me in the flesh and wouldn’t like me… So I woke up one morning, to a message saying that Matt was coming in March and still coming in July. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited and nervous all together, it was literally two months away that i’d see him for the first time.
March 9th came so soon, I was waiting at the airport from 5:30am, his flight wasn’t due in until 9:10am. I was a bag of nerves. I waited, I didn’t run. I waited, messaging my girls and my best rang me to keep my mind of it all because I was just pure panicking at this stage. My stomach was a pit. That feeling as if you’ve spent all day on roller coasters. My body was feeling weak, then the moment hit me. I looked up, there he was, staring right at me, I won’t lie, I’m crying right now just typing all this, it really was an emotional surreal moment for me. No one told me that he was THAT attractive. I knew he was gorgeous from the photos he sent, however I can guarantee, seeing him face to face, in person, the photos do not do him justice, at all. He is so beyond attractive it’s unreal. He had the “Prince” effect. He walked right up to me, kissed me, and I truly felt like it was just him and me, standing in the arrivals, no one else. No sound but the piano playing, just us.
We couldn’t stop hugging one another, I was becoming obsessed with his touch, soaked in every spoken word that left his lips, taking in every small detail, the way his mouth curls around certain words, the way he’d stare at me when he thought I couldn’t see him, I felt like a magnet being pulled into him, I felt so complete. He was everything. I just couldn’t wait to get home and just be us. We didn’t have much planned, only a meet the parents type of thing, it was more about just Matt, Me and the children. Seeing how we all fit.
I couldn’t wait to spend the next so many hours falling asleep on each other, talking, whilst on the coach to get home, and I’m about to tell you all a secret… (I apologise now to my Mother In Law if she is reading this!) I nearly had me and Matt stranded. I take full blame, even though it was both our faults at this point! Neither one of us was time keeping as we were too absorbed in one another, but there was a pit stop for 10/15 minutes to stretch our legs, get something to eat at the services, before reaching our destination. So, in true “what are you thinking” fashion, Matt and I got off the coach, you can only guess what happened next, we were watching our coach pull away and drive off. I was mortified. All our belongings were on the coach, all I had was my purse and my phone, that was running low on battery! I just knew my dad was on his way to Cornwall at this time, thankfully he managed to call into the services after 10 minutes of talking to him! We were panicking by this point, Matt more than me, I was just doing my god awful nervous laughter, thankfully!! We managed to get to the coach depot and collect all our stuff, nothing was lost or stolen, the driver apologised so much to us! Even said “you two are the ones that wouldn’t get off each other’s faces” embarrassment to the fullest! I get awful! I promised to keep him safe and I basically lost his stuff for nearly an hour! All we do now is just laugh so much about that, and we’ve promised that the next time we get onto a coach together, we aren’t leaving the coach at all! And tbh, that wasn’t how I wanted him to meet my dad or mum! We made it home, and Addison even wanted Matt to put her to bed, which was the cutest little thing ever! Those two became inseparable.
On the 12th of March, we took a trip to the beach and Matt was being super weird, he wouldn’t walk in front of me, by this point I had it in my head that this was the last time I was ever going to see him, that it obviously wasn’t what he wanted or going as good as I thought it was going. He asked me to sit down once we got to the beach, so I started playing with the sand because I thought he was going to tell me that he wasn’t comfortable with us, or that this isn’t for him, we were quiet for a bit, I was trying to avoid any eye contact with him because I was slowly having an anxiety attack, then out of the blue he says lets go, so I stand up, thinking this is the end of everything, he said he’d wipe my back and stuff then all of a sudden he’s on his knee.. And in his hand is a ring. I’ve been honest with him – because I have NO idea what he said. I have NO idea how the proposal went, because all that was in my head was this “why the hell is he on one knee, what is he playing at, why is there a ring in his hand, what the hell is going on, oh my god what is he doing? What the hell, did he just ask me to marry him? Is this him proposing?! What on earth, oh crap, it actually is, he actually is asking me to be his wife, I think I need to start responding to this” I said yes. I was shaking, I didn’t know what the hell just happened. I was now engaged to this amazing man. I was in shock, he was acting so different that I really thought he was going to tell me that it wasn’t going to work out. I was telling my girls I think that’s how he feels. I saw him wiping the tears away from his eyes, the ring is so beautiful. He done so well to pick a ring that screams “Ri” it’s hard to buy me anything like that! He just gets me in every way possible. Saying goodbye to him was the worst…
So, fast forwarding this beautiful story to June 2016, I’m typing this, We are still together, even though distance gets the better of us sometimes, we have bumps in the road, who doesn’t. We are still finding out how each other work, doing FaceTime time dates, man crush mondays, woman crush Wednesday’s, countdown to his next visit which is in exactly two weeks from today, creating our story day by day, I surprise him with gifts, he does the same, we don’t go a day where we don’t talk to one another..
I am so incredibly proud of Matt, from the moment we first started talking, he was always telling me how hopeless and worthless he is, that no one would ever want him, that he’s stuck in this life, that he goes about his day to day stuff with no hope at all and that he’d be single forever. He wasn’t all that really happy either, and last month, Matt done the biggest thing of his life, he brought his first ever house! He has come so far, and not a lot of people at 23 can say they have brought their own home, in a stable job and have the whole world surrounding them. I know God has his arms surrounding him, forever being blessed with love and happiness. I’m still not sure how one man can completely change my attitude towards life and have a huge impact of my children as well as me. All I know, is that he’s my one. Like the other half of my soul, my soul mate. I don’t want to live a life without him.
To be continued.