Every morning I wake up and I feel lost, almost empty. I always feel like a part of me is missing whilst the right side of the bed is completely cold. I realise that he is not there with me, he’s in his own bed or even still awake due to the time zone difference. I become bitterly jealous of anyone that gets to wake up to the love of their lives on a regular basis. I shouldn’t be jealous, because I know there are plenty of couples that have someone who works in the armies across the world that barely see them, some even no longer get to wake up next to theirs anymore – they could have passed away.
Long distance isn’t something to get into unless you’re completely sure it’s something you can handle. You have to mentally prepare yourself for whatever life is going to throw at you, because believe me, it’s going to be tough. You have to prepare yourself for those missed calls, missed chances to say hi, missed chances to tell them you love them. You have to prepare yourself if the priorty isn’t you, because you are not there to be that priority. You have to prepare yourself for mainly having a relationship with your phone, it’s mainly going to be Skype or FaceTime calls, texts, sending each other photos of what your day has been, where you’ve gone, how you look. Your phone will get over heated, your laptop will die of battery right in the middle of that phone call that you’ve been wanting every single hour because it’s been the worst day for you. I’ll be honest, I didn’t. I didn’t think for a single minute this could work. I didn’t anticipate how much hearing his voice would calm me down, seeing his smile would light up my world, knowing that he misses me just as much as I’m missing him. I didn’t think any of this could work. Cornwall, UK to Maine, USA? That’s a crazy amount of distance. 3037 miles to be exact. 3037 miles that neither one of us could just jump into a car and drive down for the weekend or in an off cycle. 3037 miles where you have to settle with seeing each other on timed visits. 3037 miles to cross by a plane only. We are separated by distance. Yet I got into this, not knowing what I would feel today, nearly 6 months ago I said yes to being in a relationship with Matt, and I can guarantee I have spent 5 months of it waking up/falling asleep/random outbursts where I’ve felt pain, felt lost, felt empty, felt something missing, crying cause I feel lonely. It’s an emotional roller coaster and I’m not even sure how I cope sometimes, distance sparks frustration, frustrations lead to stress, stress leads to no sleep, and no sleep leads to being ratty and snappy.
However, despite the distance, despite the feelings going from high to low I have never been happier. I read a lot of blogs about how communication is key, trust is key, making time for one another is key, I guess this all does help – and in my case – it does. I think Matt and I are sickly cute, I don’t even think the honey moon period is over for us. I am still completely obsessed with him and his every movement. Not that I need to know his every movement, but I just want to know everything about him, whether it’s something in his past, or his future dreams, or a simple memory, or something funny happened at work, I want to know all his stresses, all his worries, what helps him when his anxiety triggers, I’ll do anything to help him. Even if that means I stay awake, if it means I bury whatever thoughts and feelings I have that day, anything just to show him that even though 3037 miles separate us, I am there for him because I never want him to feel alone, I don’t want him to ever think I will never be there for him, I want him to know he is my everything, he forever will be my everything. I can’t wait until I meet him at the airport, to just hold him, absorb his touch on my skin, how soft his skin is, how sweet his lips taste. I cannot wait to just be. To just be with him in complete silence and enjoy the fact that we can fall asleep in each other’s arms instead of over FaceTime, we can wake up in each other’s arms instead of over facetime.
My dreams will be a reality for ten beautiful days and I will have a journal, I will have a camera, I’m going to make all my dreams turn into memories with beautiful stories attached to each and everyone of them, so that when I feel like my world is slowly collapsing around me, when I feel my anxiety closes up my throat, when I wake up during the night from a nightmare, I can read every single perfect story and remind myself everything I have and everything I have yet to come. The future that we are both drawing together, the present paving our way to our fairytale ending.