People always seem to make a comment about how flawless my selfies are, how I always seem to take the best angles, how my eyes always stand out, how pretty I look in my photos – to the extent people will even ask for tips or pointers, I just don’t have any.
I will never be the one to like a photo that I’ve taken, sent to someone and they’ve uploaded it – without a filter, without an edit. My anxiety peaks up, I start to see this hidious creature that shouldn’t be allowed out in public unless there’s a paper bag over my head. I will never be pretty, I will never feel confident. I could sit here and list exactly what I would change about myself if I had the bank balance of a Kardashian.
There’d be severe face fixtures – cheek bones, eyebrows, nose, teeth. I’d keep my lips, I think my lips are slightly okay. I’d sort my chest out completely, tummy tuck, liposuction, just anything that can remove fat from any part of my body, butt implants to make my bum look decent, how I’d give to just “Look Good Naked” – something Gok Wan would say.
The truth is, I could easily decide to lose weight, but right now I’m happy, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting all of the above and thinking I’m huge – which is a day to day thing. I will see someone prettier (which isn’t hard to do) someone thinner and wish I had her legs, bum, tum, etc. It doesn’t even matter how many times Matt tells me I’m perfect or pretty/beautiful I struggle to understand what he sees.
Why me? I ask myself this each and every day, why did you choose me to be the one and only for you. What can you honestly tell me to show that it’s not just words? You can’t, you can try and I will feel better for all of a few moments, however for a very long time I will still think the worst of myself.
However today, I threw myself into the deep end, I done something I haven’t been able to do in a very long time, not only did I kick my anxiety’s butt today, I also accepted change. I allowed a complete stranger to enter my home with no one there but my children, I also allowed him to cut my hair – this is a huge change. I’m extremely fussy and have only ever let my uncle cut my hair. It was a wonderful feeling, I felt accomplished, like nothing could stop me. The world is my oyster shabang. I felt good, confident – heck I even felt pretty for a moment.
I need to hold onto these moments, the boost of confidence, the waves of happiness like an oceans tide coming in so peacefully, filling you with emotions that you didnt think was remotely possible to feel, to even experience. Hold onto those moments, because those are the moments you will take to create a stronger version of you.