When you’re in a long distance relationship, you start to notice that certain figures become imprinted on your mind, numbers that you cannot shift. Dates become a guideline, foundation for all memories that you are about to create. Time becomes one of the most recorded and closely monitored aspects to your day. You are always counting down to something, no matter how far apart you are, counting down till the end of your work shifts so that you can arrange a call, counting down the hours left of the other one sleeping if you’re in different time zones, counting down the days, weeks, months until you see each other again. Counting the miles left to travel until you’re in each other’s arms again.
Sometimes, these numbers can be your worst enemy. Counting another hour that you’ve been apart, another hour of them being asleep, another hour that you haven’t spoken, another day that you don’t get to spend with one another. Every positive reason will always follow a negative one, it’s how you deal with it that matters.
The last time I saw Matt’s face was on March 13th 2016, it literally seems so far away, that it now feels like a distant memory, a dream like state of mind. I’m starting to forget how he feels to touch, how warm his body was, how his kisses felt on my skin, how his touch was so kind. I’m forgetting how he sounded, walking down the road talking to people with his American accent, forgetting how tall he was compared to me, forgetting how he walked, how he smiled at the littlest things, forgetting how he smelt. All the time I’m forgetting these things, it makes the next visit feel like the first one all over again. The nerves come back to haunt me, panicking about what I’m going to wear, how will I wear it, how will I do my make up, style my hair, how will I smell, where will I be inside the airport for him to see me, what am I going to say to him, will he just kiss me straight away, what time do I need to start getting ready, when should I leave my home to make my coach on time, do I have my portable charger anywhere so I can charge it when I’m at the airport… All these things running across my mind seem so small, however the biggest thought is “Will he like me” which seems so silly when I read that back. Matt proposed back in March to me on his first ever visit, he’s still with me now, he sees me all the time on FaceTime – yes, we are literally one of those couples that will fall asleep on FaceTime video, forever on the phone no matter where we are, we are kind of inseparable which is crazy considering we are three thousand and thirty seven miles apart but it works for us, it keeps us going. We may look a little creepy watching one another sleep due to the five hour time difference however I can’t help but love it, I fall in love with the smallest things he does when he’s sleeping, and to know exactly what he does when he’s asleep is reassuring to know because then I’m not having to worry about his sleeping habits, his eating habits, his every day to day flaws and perfections. It’s comforting to know that when I live with him, I already know. I know exactly who he is, how he is, what he does. There’s no surprises, no shocks, no excuses to find them irritating – just being able to embrace everything and to just be thankful that I get to live with him is just perfection.
Eight days and seven hours until I get to see Matt’s face once again and I am so excited yet nervous all at the same time, I mean, what if he doesn’t like me?!