This morning I woke up to something I had been dreading. After tossing and turning throughout most of the night, not being able to sleep because of the nightmares that you keep having. Feeling so restless because the next time you lay in the bed you’re in, you will be alone.
Today is the day that I say goodbye to Matthew. It’s not one that I’ve been looking forward to either, in fact I didn’t want this day to ever happen. Getting up this morning was the hardest thing to do, whilst hitting snooze on that alarm would have been the be all and end all – I just couldn’t do it, so I got up, I carried on getting dressed. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry, not right now. Not when I need to be strong and I need to make sure he gets his coach to get to the airport on time for his flight. Just knowing that I could let him sleep causing him to miss everything was beyond tempting, but I knew I couldn’t be selfish, I knew that I had to be responsible for a change. Getting the kids ready for that goodbye was hard, the thought of them not really realising that daddy won’t be here in the morning, watching yet someone walk in and walk back out, is so hard but I know they will talk to him tomorrow when he wakes up before work and that’s what is important.
We had a good last hour together, spent it going for a walk with the children whilst catching Pokemon on the new Pokemon Go game on our phones. Chasing a Vulpix that we refused to give up on, if I’m honest, I wouldn’t change any of this, it was perfect. His bus turned up right on time, so we said our goodbyes, I wipe tears from his eyes, hoping that he remembers to take his medicine in a few hours, and not to fall asleep until he changes coach at Plymouth, then once he’s done that he’s got a good few hours to sleep until he hits the airport, praying he’ll remember his way around or at least call me when he’s off the coach so I can guide him all the while I try and manage two upset kiddies. Yes, Marcello started to cry when the doors were closing on the coach, whilst Addison wanting cuddles because she didn’t want daddy to leave – this itself was so damn upsetting. I am literally trying to hold myself together, telling myself I need to not cry, not on the bus, whilst silent tears fall from my eyes right down my face.
I open the door to my home, there’s that smell. That smell that he was here. That he existed, that this wasn’t a dream at all. I really did get to wake up next to him every morning and count my blessings and say my thank yous. I crumble. I fall to the floor and crumble. I feel my heart ripping as if someone was pulling it out of my chest. I felt it go further and further away from me all the time the tears are just falling and falling from my eyes I could literally create my own lake.
I’m not ready, I’m not ready for the FaceTime calls, I’m not ready to blow kisses into my phone, I’m not ready to use my headset all day. I’m just not ready.
Im ready for him to be here. To hold me. Knowing that him being here would literally stop these tears right now. This is the downside to long distance relationships. Knowing you belong with someone who’s so perfect, who’s your soulmate, your everything, can be there one day and gone the next, and being unsure if you’ll see them again before the year is up. I was hoping writing this would stop the tears, but I guess I’m just going to have to let them flow until my heart is healed. I hope wherever you are Matt, that you have a wonderful flight, I’ll be praying for you xo
“I believe that the present suffering is nothing compared to the coming glory that is going to be revealed to us” – Romans 8:18