Confession time, I’m struggling. I’m not a super human that I always dreamed I could be for my children, my family. I’m not always positive like I feel I should be. My anxiety is creeping up on me more and more this week and I’m not even sure why. This happens from time to time, it’s not because there’s a trigger for me, although there could be if I ever decided to dig that deep into my past closed memories I’m sure I could find one.
I’ve stopped caring about my appearance. I am very limited on the make up I have, which does need to be topped up, however I haven’t bothered with even using the slightest bit of it for FaceTime with Matt. I don’t feel ugly people deserve to wear make up to hide that. I feel like a complete monster. There is so much I’d change about myself, if I had the bank balance of a Kardashian, I’d be booking every single surgery I could possibly do to fix myself. I just don’t think I’m good enough or at least look decent enough to be on the arm of the most attractive man I’ve ever been blessed with. I will always struggle with my looks, always. Yes – I got bullied, I’m sure plenty other females and males got bullied on their looks, and I really did wish I could look completely different, I don’t feel like I look like the person I am meant to look like, I feel trapped in a body that isn’t mine. I think this is why I enjoy make up so much, I get to create a face that’s even presentable – but a face that isn’t me. I feel so caged. In a world I feel like I never belong.
I am trying to be all that I can be, and sometimes I wish I could just fix it like a change of hair do, a nice manicure, a whole new wardrobe, but my fixing it digs deep within. I am almost “settling” with my body and how I look. I wouldn’t want to date me, so why should someone else? I wouldn’t say I was after the look of a model or a celebrity, as I have my own idea of what I want to look like, sometimes I debate in finding someone that can draw, and just draw me how I want to be seen, then draw me how everyone else sees me so I can just see what they do, because what I see is something completely different, which is why I can never take a compliment, I find it hard to process someone telling me I’m beautiful because I have no idea what they see or how they see it, because all I see is make up, filters, camera angles, lighting, fake eyelashes, hiding a monster, my body feels like a real life alien trapped for an eternity.
Which is so hard, because I have a wedding to plan for, a dress to shop for, hair ideas, make up ideas, nothing ever makes sense to me on what suits me because I see someone else, which is why I never dress the way I should? I know I can, I can dress my parents, my friends, I can help someone I have no idea who they are and put them in something that incredible and they always say I get it so right, but I don’t get it right with myself. There are so many clothes I like, but I just don’t bother, not really because I don’t have the confidence, but because I’d be dressing the wrong version of me?
When I start getting this down about myself, my entire world starts crashing down, bad things start to happen to me, things become irritable that I once loved, like Pokemon Go for example, I cannot play that right now because it’s irritating me with all the bug issues, but it’s a sign that my life is falling apart. It’s a sign that I’m no longer the happy bubbly me. I always find it so easy to give up on a lot of things, including people. It’s who I am. I prey on people that I know will walk away before I do, or at least give me a good enough reason to leave them. Nothing is ever a setting stone. I’m surprised Matt never walked away, at the same time I am so damn thankful he didn’t, he’s the only one to have brought my walls down, enough for me to start mixing it up with my clothes and doing more make up. He’s given me the confidence and calms my anxiety down, which is why it’s taken me by surprise that it’s so high this week.
I’ve even spent time questioning my ability to parent. I’ve been a single stay at home mother for over a year now (yes, it’s classed as single because I’m not living with my partner) and I have found some very faith testing hard times and still managed to pull through, I have been given hoop after hoop, to jump over and through yet I still can’t get it into my head that I done a good job. As I make my children bacon, toast and “Frozen” spaghetti shapes for the children, what a failure of a parent I am. I watch everyone do all this wonderful home made cakes, home made dinner, home made soap, shampoo, arts and crafts, and here’s me, on my hands and knees building a mega blocks tower with my son because that’s what he wants to do, here I am laying on my bed watching the 17th showing of tinkerbell, here’s me sat outside in the baking sun getting brown because my children want to play soccer, when all I want to do is fall asleep and never wake up again.
I’ve hit a huge low in my life right now. I don’t even have chocolate to see me through it.