This is extremely hard for me to write. It’s something I’ve never spoken about before so for some, it’s a shock, for others, it’s not a shock and you may think you’re proud of me. You may judge me on who you think I am or what I am, you may even doubt my ability to be a parent and call me irresponsible however I always made sure my kids came first and I wasn’t ever unclear on what I was doing. Unless I disassociated but I won’t get into that right now.
I hit a low point in my life and this time I turned to alcohol for the evenings to get me through the bad week. It just started with a few ciders, and then ended up being spirits upon spirits with wine and more cider. My first thought of the day would be “I cannot wait for their bedtime, bath, glass of wine, movie is just what I need” but the glass of wine always ended up being the bottle, and I’d always move on to Vodka and Coke somehow.
There was nothing else really distracting me, I was seeing a guy that pretty much alienated me at every aspect and chance, every time I felt like I was getting somewhere, something went wrong, whether I messed up or not. It really wasn’t a healthy friendship either so it was another reason to drink, another opportunity to escape the world.
Those who know me, know that I went through this back in 2010 and early 2011, I had three main factors that lead me to the state I was in, it started right around the time my Nanna Cherie passed away, it affected me in such a way. My parents wouldn’t allow me to see her in hospital because they wanted me to remember her for what she was, Happy and Healthy. The problem is, that’s not what she was. She was ill, she had bowl cancer and it was getting worse, and she needed to see her family. It doesn’t matter what happened within the “family politics” I call it, everyone deserve family when they are in need of them. This was right around the time where I had been embracing my religion for a good few years, I would visit church and ask people to pray for her, even if I didn’t say why, I just asked for prayers. When she passed away, I didn’t blame the cancer like I should have. I blamed God. I spent a good few months ignoring church, ignoring people that I know related to it. I started going out more at the weekends, taking full advantage of the bank holiday weekends, pre drinking became a thing, and finding anyone and everyone that could come out and hit the town with me.
In this time, the second factor was me and my first serious relationship went separate ways. We were together for four years, from when I was 16. I think we both weren’t ready for such a commitment. We both messed up, I suppose you could say he done alot of things which caused me to retaliate. The hardest part of that break up was that I lost my best friend. I could tell for months it was over, He was never there when I needed him, and my friends who become his friends, were his priority at times, and I still hadn’t curbed my mental health, everything brought me down, self harming, feeling neglected all the time, unloved and unwanted, things were bad between me and my mum, I was the only one saving for a wedding, I rarely saw my family because I spent so much time with his, it was clear we were both unhappy, so I respect why there was a break up however it just added to my pain, I just needed a friend and all my friends decided to side with the ex – which ended up being the third factor, which hurt, because I never judged them on their decisions, I always stayed by their side in whatever break ups they went through, I was there for them, no matter if they made some of the worst decisions they ever could have made, I was always right by their side, so when I looked around I had no-one, I felt alone.
However, two amazing girls stood by my side no matter what, I have so much love for J and M it’s crazy. They had my back no matter what, I was starting to get through the rut, I was becoming happy again, until I met my ex, this was the forth factor and I went back into that rut of not getting through anything in life, drink became my best friend, Until one night, something seriously horrible happened to me, I drunk, i got high, i overdosed and I badly cut my arms, to the point where the police actually arrested me under the mental health act, I was on suicide watch, and sent of for an assessment.
My parents and Grandad B shipped me out to Jamaica, to recover and if I wanted too, start living there, take a job within the hotel and live with my Grandad, which was so tempting. Sometimes I’d look back and really wished I had. It would have saved me alot of hurt. I wouldn’t be this pale, probably rocking an awesome tan. I managed to visit my Nan’s grave. I finally accepted her death. I think that was my parents biggest mistake, trying to preserve a memory of somebody however my own mind would have remembered those happy times, the good times, the times where I could never take back because I am thankful to have them.
Fast forward roughly four years and I’m here, back to drinking, going through yet another break up, the worst four years of my life, included two very important little humans that I get to be a mother too, finding and adjusting to the single parenting lifestyle, whilst learning an awful lot on Domestic Violence and how to spot the signs. It’s been extremely insightful. I noticed I was stronger than what I thought I was, however dealing with it in drinking needed to stop, I woke up the day after my brothers birthday party with the worst headache, my throat was so dry, I honestly felt the worst. I knew then that was it. No more. I decided to go straight cold turkey. No drinking, no nothing. I still have those days where I feel a glass of something would just suit me right, but I know I’m better than that.
I don’t want to destroy myself anymore, I want to focus on my future, I still want to be around when my children grow up, I want to witness my own grandchildren being brought into the world, watch my children grow up and explore this planet that we call home. I want to spend a lifetime with my husband. I want to create a new bucket list, that we can complete together. I have so much more planned for myself, I want to live.
So, here I am, living the sober life, and wondering why on earth I never started my life out this way! After waiting to be the legal age to drink, I just wish I didn’t bother. I wish I didn’t touch anything growing up and stayed on the straight and narrow, however, despite all this, I am internally grateful for this life experiences because its made me who I am today, I am strong because of everything that’s been given to me, regardless of the path I have taken down, I’ve always found my way back.
I have my life back, my faith back. I’m incredibly happy. 8 Months, 3 weeks and 2 days Sober.