Sometimes I find myself stuck in these moments where all I can think about is you and my future. What it means for my children and I, whether you and I will grow into something wonderful that blossoms and blooms in all the right moments chasing the seasons. Watching us grow in the autumn, stronger, together and smiling in the spring, surrounded by families and laughter. I notice little things that instantly move my train of thought right onto you, whether it’s a song, a book, someone talking, someone who has the same name as you, a film that has me reminded of you. Every thought, every feeling comes rushing back around to you.
I find myself most days reflecting on our journey and how you were brought to me, every little detail I can remember so clearly. What photos you sent me, the songs we sent each other, what little rants we had, your awful chat up lines that I knew were awful but they melted me anyway. The love you showed so early on, the little talks we had about the future, the way I just let you tear down every single wall I built to protect myself. When I slowly eased you into my children’s lives. Making sure they knew who you were, what you were about, what you were made off. I knew that if you couldn’t hurt me, you wouldn’t be able to hurt them. I feel like in the short space that we were originally talking in, I learnt so much about the man I plan to be with until I’m all old and smelly.
I was watching a film no more than thirty minutes ago, The Age Of Adaline, for some small reason her views on life and love, not to mention her never ageing story, brought me right back to you, how I would have loved to watch this with you right here, holding onto me, telling me things that I can keep with me forever and never let go of those words, when the lead male role said about his mother living in Maine, New England. That was it, my heart melted and crumbled. I felt so much warmth inside of me, flowing so patiently, allowing me to feel every feeling that you give to me, what you’ve shown me over the months on what love actually is, what I should be treated like. Nothing compares to you. I just know that my heart, and my home, is currently sleeping, soundly, snoring away, dreaming of everything he could possibly dream, in a bed, located in the cutest city, in Maine and that fills me with so much joy, love and wonder, just knowing that you are mine, knowing that you are my home. You are where my heart is.
With everything that’s going on recently, it’s really made me step back and take everything in. Everything that you have to offer, everything that you’ve already done, all those things that you will be doing, eventually. I’ve had moments where I’ve felt I couldn’t do this, where I felt like I wasn’t ready, that it was all too quick, that I don’t want to do anything if there wasn’t a certainty because it wasn’t just my heart I had to think about, it was also my children’s however something inside of me was screaming and pushing out, this wasn’t like all the others. I know this isn’t like all of the others. Everyone around us can see, those that are constantly talking to us, seeing us, they all can see that this relationship is true, it’s solid. It’s everything. Without a doubt I know that it’s us for life and I can honestly say that I am so ready to do the unthinkable. I am ready to make the biggest commitment of my life, not to mention I’m ready to make the biggest decision of my life and taking my little family, to America to be with you, so that our little family can be complete.
I watch you be there for me, I watch you take care of children that aren’t biologically yours however you treat them like they are your own flesh and blood, you give them so much love, more than I could even give them at times, you are their anchor just as much as you are mine. I appreciate you in more ways than one. I can’t even imagine how to ever get you to see how much I mean, I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for protecting me, thank you for protecting my children.
See you in seven days Baby!